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WE WILL NEVER TRULY KNOW WHAT POSSESSED RON ATKINSON TO UTTER THE OFFENSIVE WORDS THAT HAVE BROUGHT HIS MEDIA CAREER TO AN ABRUPT BUT DESERVED END. 

It is immaterial that he thought his microphone was switched off, it is of immense concern that he thought he was being funny. What made Atkinson think his post-match assessment of Chelsea’s Marcel Desailly would cause a smile among his colleagues? What was their reaction? 

Atkinson had been a football pundit for ITV for 24 years, providing summaries at five World Cups and six European Championships, but he was forced to resign immediately from his £200,000-a-year job, was released from his contract with the Guardian newspaper, and dropped from advertising campaigns by the West Bromwich Building Society and 7-Up.

The manufacturers of the soft drink had only trotted Atkinson out the previous week in a competition to find the ‘greatest football expressions ever’. His previous, inadvertent verbal outpourings used to provide a humour that will be forever soured by the last words he was to utter as a professional broadcaster. In his absence, though, football will stride on and there will be more than enough commentators tripping over their tongues in an inoffensive manner, to keep us amused.  

John Motson is still going strong, delivering his familiar bucket load of stats on Radio Five Live. “I was about to say, before something far more interesting interrupted,” was perhaps his best one-man conversation, but some of his finest lines came at the big live events for Match of the Day. Motson described the build-up to one FA Cup final as, “so different from the scenes in 1872, at the Cup final none of us can remember”. This in a competition that caused such excitement that: “Bruce has got the taste of Wembley in his nostrils.”  

His most famous gaffe is perhaps this classic from the 1970s: “For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip.” 

Scouse commentator Alan Parry once let Cup final fever get the better of him: “The Liverpool players are passing the cup down the line like a new born baby, although when they are back in the dressing room they will probably fill it with champagne . . . something you should never do to a baby.” 

Another contribution from the sharp end of the microphone came from Andy Gray on Sky Sports: “I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs.” An interesting insight, but not as clever as this link from Des Lynam: “More football later, but first let’s see the goals from the Scottish Cup final.” Alan Green once told us, “it was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road,” and the  father of TV punditry, Jimmy Hill, once thought, “Manchester United are looking to Frank Stapleton to pull some magic out of the fire.” 

Chattering away about a live event for the benefit of an audience is not easy and you are guaranteed mistakes because none of us talk in perfect sentences whenever we open our mouths. It’s a bit different though when players and managers are given questions to answer. No matter how long some of them think over their response, whatever they have in mind doesn’t quite match what then passes between their lips. 

Tottenham’s caretaker manager David Pleat revealed “winning isn’t the end of the world,” while Terry Venables admitted, “I had a lump in my mouth as the ball went in”. Kevin Keegan had an interesting fantasy, saying, “I’d love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing-room at half-time,” and former Manchester City manager Alan Ball confirmed: “I’m not a believer in luck, but I do believe you need it.”

Glenn Hoddle discovered that “International football is one clog further up the football ladder,” while Sir Bobby Robson, one of my personal favourites for providing a muddled line,  revealed of one player, “I’d say he’s the best in Europe, if you put me on the fence.” He also passed on some words of caution. “If we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won’t lay any eggs in the basket.” 

Wise words. Enjoy your summer.

© Jim Munro, May 1, 2004  

 

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