MOST CHARACTERS IN THE GAME DON’T MINCE THEIR WORDS, THOUGH SOME CAN’T HELP MIXING THEM UP A LITTLE.  

There was no bigger optimist than former Hammer Stuart Pearce when he said, ‘I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel,’ and in World Cup year we have witnessed another fine batch of the boastful, bitter and befuddled fluffing their lines. 

Glenn Hoddle, a little irritated by the media guesswork surrounding Tottenham’s search for a new striker at the start of the season, clarified his position. ‘At the moment I’ve got about three players I could call my number one target.’  

Out of his price range was Liverpool and England’s Michael Owen, and not surprisingly as according to former Scotland manager Craig Brown: ‘Michael Owen, he’s got the legs of a salmon.’

Mark Shwarzer could have perhaps used a better turn of phrase when questioned about fellow Australian goalkeeper Mark Bosnich and his alleged testing positive for cocaine. ‘I don’t want to stick my nose into his business,’ Schwarzer offered helpfully. 

Some players like to prove that they are not simply one dimensional characters. Some perhaps try a bit too hard. Chelsea’s Emmanuel Petit revealed that: ‘I’d like to be a dog. Dogs are nice. They can sleep any time, they wag their tails and on top of that they get stroked.’  

Across London, Arsenal’s Freddie Ljungberg was man enough to admit to a style magazine last month: ‘I have lots of friends who work in fashion and they travel to all the shows and video them for me. I like looking at the new collections.’ 

Today’s players still fall way short of beating the infamous ‘Trawlers’ speech delivered at a press conference by the enigmatic Eric Cantona, so it was disappointing to hear him admit this year: ‘The officials wanted me to speak so I just said that. It did not mean anything. I could have said: ‘The curtains are pink but I love them.’’. Well that’s obviously what Freddie Ljungberg would have said.

The tight match schedules of the Korea-Japan World Cup provided the perfect stage for memorable one liners, some deliberate, some revealing and some best left unsaid. I was particularly pleased for a lot of Argentina’s players, notably Hernan Crespo, who was of the opinion that ‘English players are imbeciles,’ while Juan Sebastian Veron claimed that Argentina would beat England because ‘God will once again decide this match and we will win it.’ 

Germany’s players were euphoric after narrowly beating the United States 1-0 to qualify for the semi-finals, but there were no words of praise waiting from former captain and coach Franz Beckenbauer, who said: ‘Apart from Oliver Kahn you could put that lot in a bag and beat it with a stick and whoever got hit would deserve it.’

England’s defeat by Brazil prompted mixed headlines back home, so what did the soon to be crowned world champions think of their opponents? Interviewed by Brazilian TV, Ronaldo was asked what had impressed them most. ‘Right after the game ended everyone was saying that David Beckham is really handsome.’ 

Handsome is not a word that can be applied to Brazil’s star striker, according to Gary Lineker. ‘Ronaldo,’ he declared on the Beeb, ‘the man who could eat an apple through a tennis racket.’ Of course, rehearsed lines always work better than having to dish out live titbits of information. Lineker also informed us during the tournament that ‘the Polish coach has promised to shave his head off if his team lose today,’  

Other magic media moments have been delivered by ITV’s Clive Tyldsley (‘Robbie Keane is their jack of trumps’), pundit Joe Royle (‘I’ve seen players sent off for worse than that’) but my favourite exchange was on Talksport Radio in February.  

Alan Brazil: ‘It was so sad to hear this morning of the death of John Shaw.’

Mike Parry: ‘John Thaw, Alan.’

Alan Brazil: ‘Do you know, I keep getting that wrong. John, if you’re listening, sorry mate.’

© Jim Munro, December 26, 2003