HAVING SPENT SEVERAL YEARS COMPLAINING ABOUT PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY ARE GOING TO “TAKE EACH GAME AS IT COMES”, I HAVE FOUND MYSELF MUTTERING SOMETHING EMBARASSINGLY SIMILAR SINCE WEST HAM RETURNED TO THE PREMIERSHIP.

Knowing my discomfort at making any sort of predictions for the Irons (like any football fan, I don’t want to jinx my team) the club has, perhaps with an evil streak, asked me to look ahead to what we can expect from 2006.

My personal wish is simple: 44 points, a guarantee of Premiership football next term, anything else is a bonus. But that would make for a very short column to begin this New Year, so making no apologies for what follows, here’s what may or may not be making the headlines in the coming months.

January: Dean Ashton scores his first goal for West Ham…putting through his own goal as the Hammers win 1-0 at Norwich in the FA Cup third round. Aston Villa’s cup form improves, as they lose only 1-0 at Hull, while Nuneaton’s home tie with Middlesbrough draws 3,500 fans, double the number that would have attended the game had it been played at the Riverside.

February: West Ham’s last ever appearance at Highbury ends in a surprise 1-0 win, a 90th-minute header from Anton Ferdinand resulting in the Premiership’s goal celebration of the season. In Europe, Ronaldinho rules the roost, helping Barcelona win 3-2 at Stamford Bridge in the first leg of their Champions League tie with Chelsea, while Real Madrid and Arsenal fight out a drab goalless draw at the Bernabeu.

March: Harry Redknapp’s return to Upton Park is a cause for celebration, the Hammers’ 2-0 win over Portsmouth taking the club onto the magical 44 points. Remember, everything else from here is a bonus. In another European battle royale, Chelsea win the second leg 2-1 at Barca’s Nou Camp but exit on away goals. Arsenal and Real Madrid fight out a drab goalless draw at Highbury, the Gunners sneaking through 1-0 after a penalty shootout.

April: Tears at Highbury as Arsène Wenger reveals he hasn’t received an Easter card from Jose Mourinho. More bad news for Wenger as Liverpool beat Arsenal over two-legs to reach the Champions League final.

May: Gerard Houllier’s revenge as unfancied Lyon and the former Anfield manager destroy Liverpool’s ambition of retaining the European Cup by winning a lively Paris final.

June: Paul Konchesky celebrates his selection for England’s World Cup squad by rifling in the third and final goal against Paraguay in a 3-0 win. Shaka Hislop saves a David Beckham penalty as Trinidad & Tobago hold England to a 1-1 draw before a 1-0 win over Sweden helps England progress from their group. In the knockout stages, Brazil do England a favour by beating Korea in the quarter-finals to set up a semi with Sven-Göran Eriksson’s men.

July: Ruud van Nistelrooy (Holland) beats Thierry Henry (France) 3-2 in the first semi-final, while Brazil’s samba beat is silenced by true grit, John Terry knocking out two defenders as he bundles into the penalty area to head England’s winning goal from a corner. So to the final.

England versus Holland and teammates from the Premiership go into battle; Rio Ferdinand marking Van Nistelrooy, Frank Lampard tracking Arjen Robben, Sol Campbell trying to keep a hold on Robin van Persie. But the surprise package is England substitute Nigel Reo-Coker — a late call-up for the injured Steven Gerrard — who emerges from the bench to smash the goal of the competition, maintaining West Ham’s tradition of scoring all of England’s goals in World Cup finals.

August: West Ham release ‘How We Won The World Cup’, which knocks Lampard’s ‘How To Eat Yourself Fit’ from the No 1 spot in the DVD charts. Thierry Henry leaves Arsenal on a free transfer but in a shock move shuns Barcelona for the lure of Upton Park….

Have I gone too far yet? Happy New Year